They appeared in a single, crisp frame. Two moms, one a brunette with a tennis player ponytail, the other in a royal blue parka. Their buoyant little girl, gap-toothed and freckled, wiggled and fidgeted between them. They were in a polling place, or so I gathered from the small, curtained carrels and long tables with short pencils where small, permed ladies poured over lists. They had just heard the news. The light around them was palpable, thick like fabric. Love filled the space, the people — me.
Then I woke up.
I rubbed my eyes and made my way to the computer. My hand trembled as I shook the mouse awake. I contemplated which website would deliver the news most efficiently, a moot quandary as the yahoo homepage knuckle-punched my windpipe. “Well, there you go,” I said, and shuffled back to bed, hoping beyond hope to discover this to be the dream and the two moms and their elated little girl to be reality.
A few weeks ago, Jenn and I talked late into the night with two of our closest friends (a married couple who happens to be Catholic) about how the political agendas of certain religion institutions, namely the Catholic Church, negatively impact our daily lives and our secure sense of place in society. The night ended well, a testament to the strength of our friendship, but not without defensive, emotional moments on both sides.
The broader conversation may or may not turn into a post; one of the many things that struck me that I will share now, however, was that no matter how inclusive, how compassionate, how educated, and how well-meaning our straight allies are, they’ll never quite understand the psychological impact of days like last Tuesday, when complete strangers vote not only on LGBT Americans’ rights, but on the rightness of who we are as people.
Days like last Tuesday have been some of the longest, loneliest days of my life.
Last week, those of us who pay attention saw more headlines regarding LGBT Americans than we have in the past year. The headlines stretched from Houston to Michigan, from New Jersey to Washington state. There was even a brief news release stating that in our home state, the Wisconsin Supreme Court rejected a petition to overturn the recently established domestic partnership registry.
Most prominent among these headlines, of course, was Maine:
Maine voters repeal marriage equality.
Before Tuesday’s vote, marriage equality was the law of the land, achieved through the state legislature and signed by pro-equality and Catholic Governor Baldacci. Before marriage equality actually took effect, however, social conservatives launched their attack. They had the dollars and pulpits of Maine’s Christian fundamentalist and Catholic churches, the archbishop even going so far as to pass the collection plate during mass. All too quickly, they organized a petition to put the referendum to repeal marriage equality on the ballot.
The crux of their argument was that allowing same-sex couples to marry would rob them of their religious freedom to a) believe that marriage is between one man and one woman and b) refuse to perform same-sex marriages.
Both of these arguments are lies.
The cornerstone of our free nation is that anyone can believe what they want to believe; what matters is what they do with it. Also, nothing in Maine’s marriage equality legislation denied clergy of any faith the right to refuse to perform marriage ceremonies of any kind.
Still, they pressed on.
They hired actors to portray wholesome, heterosexual families in television ads. They refused to disclose their donor lists. They told Mainers that if they allowed “homosexual, genderless marriage”, it would lead to “people losing their jobs, professionals be[ing] stripped of their professional licenses or being fined by the state, and churches losing their tax exemptions.”
They told Mainers, “Most troubling is the impact on children, particularly as the public schools begin the process of indoctrinating them on the subject of homosexual marriage.”
Despite the best campaign ever run by pro-equality activists, with the message of fairness and inclusion relayed in their television ads featuring actual families, lies like these continued and, ultimately, prevailed.
What happened in Maine last Tuesday was not the protection of religious freedom because religious freedom was never in danger.
What happened last Tuesday was not the prevention of rights in the first place, as in so many other states with constitutional bans, an atrocious enough act against any minority group in any era.
What happened in Maine last Tuesday was the cruel stripping of security from living, breathing families based on nothing more than fear and ignorance.
These people who told these lies perpetrated one of the most egregious kinds of frauds — against families, against humanity, against the very freedom they claim to protect.
We are living in a time when these headlines keep happening. On the one hand, I’d rather live now than twenty or more years ago when headlines like these were impossible.
On the other hand, I’m tired.
I’m tired of these people promoting the falsehood that LGBT families are playing a lifelong game of dress-up. The crux of the argument for those who believe Jenn and I don’t deserve to be married is that ours is a chosen lifestyle of sinful behavior. Being a gay person, I think I know better than any non-gay person what it means to be gay, so listen up.
Being gay is not a choice. It is not a lifestyle. It is not behavior.
I’m tired of feeling the way I feel on days like last Tuesday.
I’m tired of feeling angry.
I’m tired of feeling depressed. anxious, stifled, and helpless.
I’m tired of feeling pitted against two of my closest friends, friends who stood up in our wedding and whose faith we respect, friends who, because they are good Catholics who tithe, support not only their Church’s good works, but also their evil ones.
I’m tired of feeling isolated, marginalized, and judged.
These are the feelings I feel on days like last Tuesday, when those who think themselves righteous commit crimes against the innocent.
They would have you believe that I feel these feelings because of my so-called ’sinful lifestyle’. Being gay is not sin. I’m telling you now that I feel these feelings because these people are getting away with lies, in the name of God, and that their lies are psychological abuse.
I’m tired of division. I’m tired of us being ’us’ and them being ‘them’. I’m tired of being a repository for religious hatred. Last I checked, God is love.
I want the moms and the little girl from my dream to be real and I want last Tuesday and Prop 8 and all the bans erased.
I want to be wrapped in light.
I want to live fearlessly.
I want peace.
I want the freedom I’m promised and I believe so passionately in it that I would never, ever cast a vote to repeal the right of others to lie about me.
11 Comments
November 10, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Hi, Erika. I apologize for this being the longest comment EVER and I hope it doesn’t sound too crazy.
I’ve been reading your blog for several months now but have always been too shy to post; now, however, I feel like I have to. I have to thank you for what you’re doing on this blog, whether or not you mean to or whether or not you know that you’re doing it. I found your blog while searching frantically for something that would make me feel like everything that I was feeling was okay. I read your post “So much to know, so little to fear” and it has never left me. There was so much of it that I could’ve written myself. I needed to know that other girls have felt what I’ve felt and, even though it’s hard, have come out and wound up better for it. Coming out (for me anyway) is proving to be a lengthy process, and I can’t tell you how often I fall back on what you’ve written to remind me that it’s okay, and that there’s hope. I looked to see if you’d posted anything the day after the election but hoped that your thoughts were coming… and then today, I go to work and realize that some people are going to have to find out, and I’m going to have to face the fact that they might not like me anymore after they know. I come home, get online, and there is your post and all of your posts before it reminding me once again that – cliche or not – I am not alone in this. I cannot thank you enough. You’re incredible.
November 10, 2009 at 11:27 pm
I’ve been waiting with baited breath for your words on this, words that I just knew would articulate my own feelings of anger, of frustration, of helplessness, better than I ever could. You did not disappoint, my friend.
Still, I’m without any.
(um. What Erin said? WOW.)
love to you and Jenn.
November 11, 2009 at 6:00 am
Amen, amen, amen – pardon the religious language, but you know my background and all the rest. This is one of the most articulate pieces on the denial of marriage equality I’ve read. Joe and I have many of the same feelings as you and Jenn, and considering Joe’s background, the Catholic thing is ALWAYS staring us in the face. It’s unfortunate that the government will not revoke tax-exempt status of churches/denominations that take second offerings to support the denial of equal rights. And here, again, we have an institution, the federal government, that hesistates to take a strong stand even after campaign rhetoric was broadcast from coast to coast. Fear will be the demise of the social and religious conservatives, but I hear you – I’m tired.
November 11, 2009 at 9:10 am
@Erin – You are not alone!! And you are not crazy! I cannot tell you how much it means to ME to know that my endless spouting has touched you. You’ve validated me and what I’m trying to do here. I’m so, so glad you felt brave enough to comment. Thank you.
November 11, 2009 at 1:21 pm
It seems worthless to say this in light of the bigger picture, but bravo for this at least.
Not being able to live fearlessly is just so wrong.
November 11, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Hi Erika,
I just stumbled onto your blog yesterday (via the daddy daries) – and HAD to comment on what I thought was one of the most eloquent and well written posts about the election in Maine I’ve read. and I’ve read SO many (because I’m terribly worked up about it).
I’m from Maine, though living and voting elsewhere, and I have lots of people dear to me who were involved in the pro-equality campaign. I was just so proud of my little (big) home state being in the first six, and was feeling incredibly hopeful about the election. Both my mother and grandmother voted early and proudly wore their “I already voted NO ON 1!” buttons on their drive through the state to visit me, and the numbers were so close but in our favor when I went to bed…
It was a major disappointment and completely heartbreaking. and besides those words, I’ve been at a lack for them. so thank you so much for your words!
take care, Lauren
November 11, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Being gay is certainly NOT a sin. I am (as far as I know) a straight person, but I believe that all people are created equal, and this is a civil rights struggle, the same as the struggle for racial equality. No one has a right to make anybody feel like they are less than EVER. It’s ridiculous that this is even an issue in this day and age. Marriage should only concern the two consenting adults involved. Certainly not the damn government or people outside the couple wanting to marry.
I feel more strongly about gay rights than any other issue currently. This whole issue just makes Americans look like small-minded petty idiots. I do believe that right will win in the end. I suppose that thought is not very comforting to you currently. I share your anger. I am pissed as hell.
November 11, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Thank you for this impassioned post. You write so eloquently, and so movingly. I feel a bit choked up.
November 12, 2009 at 8:08 am
Great post. I’m angry a lot too. I am straight, however, I think I have a bit of understanding about what you are talking about when it comes to strangers deciding what you can do with your life/body. (Abortion is a hot button for me). I realize it may not seem as defining or deep in the same manner as what you are talking about, but it is the what this represents that is so wrong and unnerving. And in that regard, I relate to every one of us who’s freedom is threatened by conservative standards (oxymoron?).
The shame lies with the ones who are marginalizing the rest of us, for whatever their reasons: we’re not white enough, we’re women, we’re GLBT, we’re smokers, we’re not christian, we’re pro choice, we’re black, we’re Hispanic, we’re alive!
It is frustrating and scary, especially when we think of how children are also getting impacted by this lunacy in a big way.
I am thinking that like most freedom fighters, we will outlast them and justice will prevail. I hope it’s sooner than later.
Peace and hang in there,
mia
November 12, 2009 at 11:46 am
@Maggie,dammit – sometimes a lack of words speaks more powerfully than words. (It took me a week, with at least fourteen attempts, to write this post.)
@Scott – I’m sure the four of us could have one of those “late into the night” conversations very easily.
@Martin – you’re right that not being able to live fearlessly is wrong, but I’m sure going to give it a try.
@Lauren – please tell your mom & Grandma thank you. We lost Maine, but we’re not going to lose in the big picture.
@sarcastic bastard – fairness needs you, so I’m glad you’re with us! And thanks for the link.
@alejna – I wrote my heart and it wasn’t easy. Thank you.
@mia – I agree. We will prevail.
November 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm
What a wonderful post. I don’t understand how they can’t get it after going to your wedding. It’s a shame that changing the laws (as they have in Belgium) doesn’t change people’s prejudices. Can’t hurt, though. I’m always surprised at some of the callous things people can say to my gay friends and think they’re being “funny.” xxx